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Wednesday, April 25th, 2001
9:18 pm - hmmmm
Haven't been here in a while...I thought I'd see if this still existed. Been very very busy...working a lot, classing a lot, and keeping a social life afloat as well.

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Friday, March 23rd, 2001
5:35 pm
The dorm is practically empty. I'll be here till it closes, then head over to Ian's...Leaving for Wyoming tomorrow at 12. I have mixed feelings about this trip, but I know that it will be a learning experience, and I will come back a stronger and more confident person. I'm savoring the very emptiness of this building. Usually filled with hundreds of people, now gone. It echoes.
I'll be back in a week.

current mood: complacent

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Friday, March 16th, 2001
4:23 pm
The weekend is finally here! I plan on resting a LOT this weekend. I'm very excited about it....I'll write more later, when my thoughts are more collected...

current mood: calm

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Wednesday, March 14th, 2001
4:43 pm
I feel as if I have entered a new world...new faces, new feelings, emotions, experiences...things that I didn't know I would ever feel or see. I am alive.

current mood: scared

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Saturday, March 10th, 2001
8:30 pm
I haven't slept since Wednesday. Do you know what that does to a person?
Enter Ian. Falling hard. It's intoxicating...

current mood: happy

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Thursday, March 8th, 2001
9:56 am
Okay, so the midterm is over, the project is finished....today I must change my major, which is a slight hassle, but after today, yay! Officially an art major.
I did crossword puzzles last night. It was a blatant waste of time, proof that I have an old man's soul, and very enjoyable.
I'm going to class now.

current mood: amused

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Wednesday, March 7th, 2001
10:51 am
I've been studying for this history midterm. I have a feeling I'm not experiencing the proper amount of test anxiety. Rowr. The test is at 12, I decided to take a little break before I eat and cram a bit more. I just signed up for Graphic Design. I'm very excited about this class...it should give me the knowledge I need to pick an area of concentration. :) I saw Ian, we hung out for an hour after the pre-registration. It was fun, although not much studying was accomplished. I decided it was worth it, to get to know him a bit better. He's an interesting guy.
Why do I not care about this test? Maybe it's the weather. It's so nice...
After this test, and after i get this project done, and after that presentation I have to put together...maybe I can do some stuff I've been wanting to. Like making that illustration for Jordan. And finishing War and Peace. Those are my goals...Things just seem to pile up though, and I put the fun things off more and more. I should stop that. No, maybe not. Work must get done. Ian asked me why I was so determined. I thought about it. I'm not sure why, I don't feel that determined. I feel like I'm pretty lazy. :) I guess I just want to succeed. What is my idea of success...rowr. I don't have time for this right now. I'm going to go study, take my test, and give it's ass. Yes.
Rowr again.

current mood: apathetic

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Tuesday, March 6th, 2001
9:27 am
Okay. One more midterm, tomorrow. I'm in the last stretch of studying...

current mood: determined

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Saturday, March 3rd, 2001
9:42 pm
I am at home? for the weekend. It's been very uneventful...I've done a lot of homework, lots of work on my design project. I'm just killing time till I can go back to school, I guess.
I really am anxious to get back. I'm not sure why. I feel very uneasy here. But I have to make it through the rest of this night, and tomorrow morning's church service.
It's weird, I find myself thinking about Matt a lot, wondering what he's doing. I think I might miss him. I'm looking forward to seeing him tomorrow night very much. And these plans had better not fall through.
I got to see my cat this weekend. And the chickens. Small town.
Well. I'm going to go continue working on my project, I suppose. Not an exciting entry, but it's not exactly an exciting place. Till next time...

current mood: anxious

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Thursday, March 1st, 2001
12:36 am
Via lots of sleep, I'm getting over this sickness. I've been sleeping and sleeping and sleeping. With total disregard to work. But I'm feeling much better.

current mood: disappointed

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Tuesday, February 27th, 2001
12:17 am - recovery
Well. I suppose things always work their respective ways out. I spent this evening trying to recover some sanity, and I find the pieces dropping one by one back into place. I didn't accomplish any school work, but I did laundry, cleaned out some stuff, took care of my aquarium and plants, shaved my legs, organized my bills, etc. etc. Normal things that help one step back into reality. Whatever that is, huh. It's nice to be back, I suppose. I was getting tired quickly of that weird world I found myself in.
Things with him are much better. He had an air-tight reason. He's coming over tonight. We'll see. Yes. We'll see.
I slept so much this weekend. How can I be so tired? My head hurts.
I just have to occupy myself till he comes. Maybe some meteorology...

current mood: drained

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Monday, February 26th, 2001
12:04 am - Argh.
You know, I cleaned up his vomit, I consoled him for a really long time, I even made sure he got up on time for work. He was not an easy drunk to deal with. He could at least have been grateful a bit. Or pretended. He left a message tonight, saying that he couldn't come over tonight as planned, that he was tired and needed to go to bed. When I called him back, within a matter of minutes, his roommate informed me that he had gone out. So he lied to me. I did all that for him, and all he did was lie to me. It doesn't surprise me. I know you can't trust anyone. I know that. I want to call him back, to yell at HIM instead of his roommate. But at the same time, I don't want him to think I care that much. Shit happens, life goes on.
I'm sick today.
But life goes on, life goes on.
I need a good cry and a friend's shoulder to lean on. Funny. No one's around. Those who are are busy. I feel funny asking them to listen, asking them to sit with me while I have my cry. I shouldn't be crying. I'm a baby sometimes. What a confusing and wonderfully awful weekend. At least I learned something. What did I learn...I don't know consciously yet. It'll come.
Another week is waiting to happen. What does this one hold?

current mood: drained

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Sunday, February 25th, 2001
11:40 am - what a weekend
I have a lot on my mind...my weekend was full, and I am confused about the three greatly. However, I had a wonderful birthday, and my friends are awesome. I even got to talk to my twin, which was nice. I'm hoping to get the money together to go see him after school gets out. The weather is great on VA beaches then, I hear. I'm excited. Yesterday was the first we'd really talked since Christmas. I'm worried about him...he parties a lot, and sounds pretty exasperated with the military life, but I think he'll be okay.

I had the best food last night, at Le Petit Buchon. I ate veal, I've never eaten veal before. I had veal sweetbreads, which means I had fat-calf-thyroids. I'm not sure how I feel about that. :)

All in all, I had a good weekend. I'm just confused about some stuff. And not ready to go back to the real world of class, etc. Eh. As Ty would say, so it goes.

current mood: cranky

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Friday, February 23rd, 2001
12:43 am
I'm ridiculously stressed out. I threw up I was so on edge. I felt a bit better after that, but my stomach still is queasy. Not liking all the caffeine, I guess.
I'm twenty.

current mood: stressed

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12:43 am
I'm ridiculously stressed out. I threw up I was so on edge. I felt a bit better after that, but my stomach still is queasy. Not liking all the caffeine, I guess.
I'm twenty.

current mood: stressed

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Tuesday, February 20th, 2001
8:52 pm - rowr
I don't want to study. Not really. Not at all.
But I have two tests at the end of the week, and my books are calling my name incessantly.
I had a productive day in lithography...I finished drawing my image, then I rosin and talced my stone, then etched it in the gum and nitric acid, and THEN buffed. On Thursday I'm hoping to print, and I'm very excited. I'm going to make Chris with the muscles help me....I was his sponge-bitch, so he shall be mine. I'm looking forward to this. My fingers are already black and gross looking, so I have nothing to fear. Ah, the price one pays for learning lithography. :)
I'm so antsy tonight...hope I can focus!

There are limits to reason.

current mood: restless

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Monday, February 19th, 2001
3:47 pm - and another thing
Do you ever have that feeling, that crazy indescribible feeling that nothing is right, something is terribly and horribly wrong? And every nerve is on edge, and you don't know what's wrong. These are the times I question reality. Usually these feelings are accompanied by a panic attack. I hope I can hold out till after class. I hate getting them in class.
People in our generation pretend to be deeper than they really are.
Argh.

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3:40 pm - what a wonderful world.
I laid on the Quad today with Katie. We were promptly attacked by a fuzzball that might be considered a puppy...I pretty much thought if was just fuzz with a tail. I love Katie a lot. She's a wonderful, beautiful person and we see eye to eye on a lot of things. Not just little things, but the things that count. We can commiserate, etc. It's nice, and I'm really starting to value our friendship.
Jealousy.
I didn't sleep much last night. I was visited by some pretty interesting nightmares. Their plots were not realistic, but that doesn't matter at night, when everything is dark. At night, things, feelings, sensations, are intensified ten-fold. Everything is glaringly THERE. But I made it through another. It's getting late in the afternoon, I know another night is coming. What does this one hold?
I can't focus on anything.

current mood: angry

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1:38 am - late.
I shouldn't have taken that nap. I have way too much energy tonight. And a heck of a lot of random thoughts flying around wildly in my brain. I have many different emotions tonight, too...things like loneliness, fear, disappointment, confidence, jealousy. I'm a little reminiscent as well.
Jordan came down, told me a friend of his was killed in a car accident. Although I am not involved, I'm still upset for him. Makes you think about life and death. I was talking to Ty tonight about death. Interesting, when you make a visual of Death. I see it as a sort of wolf, who stands behind me quietly, looking forward over my shoulder. He is dark grey-brown, with calculating, yellow eyes. He glances at me inquisitively now and then. You see, in the past, we've had our encounters...I have danced with him, but he has always bowed out gracefully...I guess only he knows when it's time to finish the dance.
I wonder if anyone is reading this yet. Other than you, Kita.
I had a dream about Dan today, while napping. It also shook me up, adding to this feeling.
Nights like this, I hate being alone. I don't want to go to bed, I'm terrified of sleeping alone. So I fight to stay awake, to stay out of bed. I would kill for someone to come sleep here, in my roommate's empty bed or whatever. I wouldn't care where they slept, just so I wouldn't be alone. But I don't want to ask anyone. I feel weak, silly. Like a coward, and I hate that. I want to be strong, and I hate the fact that I have this feeling in the first place. The few times I have asked, the few times I felt like I really, really needed someone here, he or she wouldn't come. People don't keep promises. They don't care as much as they want to. Anyway. So I'll stay awake, for a very long time, until late late late, sleep may claim me, and I'll sleep a few hours until he leaves me again. And I will be so very, very relieved that another night is over, that I made it through another one without going absolutely mad. Someone to hold me...it would be so nice. I don't want to need it, though. I don't want to need it.

current mood: edgy

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Sunday, February 18th, 2001
7:29 pm
I thought this was interesting...Thanks Kita...
Kara
~ Cara ~
(Irish Gaelic)

~ meaning ~
Friend

~ motivation ~
Has a desire to attain knowledge

~ character ~
Known for their consistency

~ feelings ~
Intimacy is important to you

~ intelligence ~
Is noted for their perception

~ spiritual ~
Has inner energy

~ nature ~
Is a disciplined person

~ inherent ~
Known for your sophistication

Marie
~ Mary ~
(Hebrew)

~ meaning ~
Rebelliousness

~ motivation ~
A person who is motivated by success

~ character ~
Does not get rattled

~ feelings ~
Likes to feel secure

~ intelligence ~
Has powers of insight and intuition

~ spiritual ~
Shows faith in other people

~ nature ~
A high spirited person

~ inherent ~
Noted for your curiosity

I think that the Marie one is more like me.
I'm at 'work' right now. I had a gloriously long nap, it was wonderful. I'm still groggy...but it was so nice! Plus, I had a salami sub for supper...I have a love affair with salami. :) I need to be doing my homework...rowr. Maybe not just yet.
We fed my fish a Cocoa Puff today. They tried to eat it, then became indifferent.
:)
I'm going to attempt to read art history now.

current mood: curious

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